Whine #1: Merlot

Throughout my entire adolescent life, from the beginning since I ever discovered boys and found them to be more then just "cooties"... I have wanted and longed, as cheesy as it sounds, someone to love.
I'm going on 21. I have still yet to find something along those lines. I have yet to establish that 'feeling', that emotional commitment from someone.. at least mutually. I have been single my entire life, I have never had that tug returned to me.
Now, at this point in my life, less then a month away from my birthday.. I am sort of starting to question if this longing was ever rational. Is that ALL I honestly am seeking out? Love? What the hell IS love anyway? And no.. I honestly don't want to hear any mushy-mush responses that will probably make me gag and/or depress me. I'm happy to know a lot of people have experienced it, and think they know the meaning. The truth is, it's so different for everyone. And I don't want to really deal with all the positive responses when.. I have none to even compare to yours. I'm sorry if that is harsh, but.. it's truly how I feel right now. Love is still something I find magical, don't get me wrong.. but at the same time... the label of having someone love me romantically, and having a boyfriend, and blah blah blah, is starting to seem to distant and pointless. There are more important things in life then just finding someone who will hold my hand, call me beautiful, and kiss me on the cheek. For awhile, that's all I really saw fit in life, that WAS my main goal, almost the point in my life... if I dare say.
Sure, if you think about it, reproducing is generally our main concern for existence, but... I'm young. Why do I want to get it so fast and so badly.
No.. That does not mean I give up. No.. That does not mean I don't want it. No... That does not mean, just... shut up.

I want love. I want a boyfriend. I want the heart tug to be returned.
But.. maybe it never will be, and... that completely terrifies me, and depresses me, and makes me feel like life is so pointless and not worth so much. (In a non-suicidal way, please don't be concerned)
I need to stop thinking that.
I need to be okay with the fact that, I may never get that ONE thing I longed...correction.. long for so terribly.
Love is so cliché if you think about it.
Generally speaking in my own case it would be: Boy meets girl. Girl meets boy. They pine. They chase. They get together, and hey.. if it works out. BAM! Marriage. BAM! Baby. But.. then they just live together, they live together and grow old doing every day things together. They watch TV together, they talk, they eat.. blah blah blah.
I could do ALL of that alone.
So technically... Why is it so bad?
Do I really NEED to focus so much on finding that ONE person.
Yes. I want to.
No. I know I don't need to.
Please.. I don't need preaching on, "Yeah girl, be independent!"
Because...married women CAN be independent… so as much as I appreciate it, right now I just want to rant and rave and not care.
　
Finding that label is not the only thing for me.
It kills me that.. since day one, when boys became an interest.. I have wanted one so bad.
Since day one.. I have never had one.
Since day one.. I've been failing.
Since day one.. I pine and cry.
Since day one.. I feel like it'll never happen.
I see all these girls, some have a lot of potential.. Others I don't quite understand.
Yet, they get the guys.
I think I'm a half decent girl.
Cute personality.
Cute face.
Cute body.
A good amount to offer.
Yet.. I'm alone and...lonely.
I know most people say you have to become content with being single before anything happens. I've tried that.. It lasts for a period of time, and I notice no changes, and bam.. I sink back down to pining.
Is it wrong to pine for the feeling when there is NO one to do the pining for?
Is it disgusting to just want someone? Just selfish?
I don't think so.
We all crave that form of affection, attention, and we all want to give it as well.. even in the slightest.
Yet, sometimes.. I think maybe it IS wrong, selfish, and in a way pathetic.
A lot of others say you should go out and dabble. Just have fun. Kiss without commitment. Date casually. Mindless stupid fun.
Yeah.. I've tried that too. Well... not EXACTLY.. but in some shape I have.
It doesn't work.
At least.. not for me.
I'm not that girl.
Yes, it's fun.. but.. in the back of my head, I'm secretly hoping that it'll turn into something awesome.
That the guy will find out that I'm truly amazing and want to be with me. Now, don't get me wrong. That's not the only reason why I would do that, or continue to do that, but.. sometimes the thought creeps upon you, and you think about it from time to time. You continue to have fun, but you know you want more.. in general, with someone.
Now with the way I did it. There's a little bit more behind why things are complicated, but... in general.. I know that I can't.
I don't do casual. Whether it's with a stranger, or a friend.. It can get messy. I'm not against it. It's enjoyable. It can just get very hard and frustrating from time to time. Especially being a girl like me, who wants romance so badly, to just be loved. So.. casual is not me.
I don't quite understand how it's any girl, not that I'm judging, power to you if you can do it! I just get emotional and over think. I tend to have too much heart and it gets me hurt. Sometimes I wish things weren't like that for me and I COULD do that.. but then again.. I wouldn't be the Tatlyn we all know and hopefully love.
So... The point of this random rant/rambling?
I'm not quite sure.
I just need to get things off my chest, write them down, cry it out, scream it out, something!
I'm tired of waiting!
I'm tired of pining!
There's so much more out there!
A label of a relationship is NOT the most important, biggest thing in my future!
....well.. that's a lie... isn't it?
Why is it a lie?
Because... That IS what I still pine for.
That is what I still am waiting for.
That is still what I want.
But, I don't take back ANYTHING I have mentioned in this blog.
I do believe that it's dumb of me.
I just cant break the habit.

Have you ever wanted something so bad... so bad that it hurt whenever you saw someone else with it.
Have you ever thought you deserved something just as much as the next person.
I'm a beautiful individual. For the first time in years, I am actually able to say that. And I don't want to use the backspace button because I sound cocky. I don't want to erase it, take it back. I'm a beautiful individual. It's true. I deserve love. I want love. I pine for it. I want that mutual feeling. But... at the same time, this beautiful individual is such a moron for not seeing the big picture, even though she clearing has it written out right in front of her, right in front of all of you reading this blog, but she refuses to read her own words.